how do you lead someone on and not even care? how can you sit there time and time again and hurt me without a second glance? I love you. okay? there, I said it, it’s out in the open. I continuously give you every part of myself and the only thing that you care about is getting gas money from me so you can make it back to college.. hell, I don’t even know if you use the money I give you for gas. but I trust you and I believe every single word that you say to me. even though I know that I shouldn’t, I still do. I just need to know why we’re at this stand still in our ‘relationship’, and why things are the way that they are. imagine being me for just a moment. okay?
you’re in love with someone
and you have no idea how they feel about you
they claim to want to be with you
but yet they do absolutely nothing about it
they come see you on some weekends
when they’re home from college
they’re in control
they don’t text you as often as you’d like
they barely text you, actually
you don’t want control
you just want them to return the feelings that you have for them
you’re so sick of getting hurt
you’re so tired of wasting your time when you know things will never change
you just want to cry because it hurts so bad
you know that you are nowhere near perfect
you know that no one is perfect
but they’re perfect for you
it rattles you to your core
here in this world, no one cares about you
but you feel as though they do
even though you know that they don’t
you spend most of your time thinking about what they’re doing
if they’ve thought of you at all that day
you get so pissed off and jealous at the thought of any other person in their life that may mean something more than you ever will
you want to be the only one that stands out and has meaning
you’re dying to tell them how they mean to you
what they are to you
how you couldn’t imagine being with anyone else
you think you love them
you want them to realize that you mean something
that you mean something together
but you know that kind of talk would scare them off,
tomorrow promises heartache and tears and loud music and regret
but you wave at this; obviously you’re willing to do anything for them no matter what
you want to cry, break down in front of them because you need their love like a boy needs his mother’s touch
you need them
plain and simple
you’re the only person who has a chance at understanding them
but they won’t let you in
you can’t sleep at night
but you’re so tired
they’re all you see
you make the mistake of holding on to them
you have no idea how they feel about you
but we’ve already went over that*
you lay your head down
you’re really done this time
but you’re not
you don’t know what ‘done’ means
you just want to give up
but it hurts too much
no one understands
they don’t understand your love for them
your need for their affection
you don’t want someone else to tell you what to do
you just want them to hold you
listen to you
but the only person that should be holding me,
the only person that I want wiping my tears away?
I complain entirely too much about you, but I wouldn’t be without you.
You’re too busy fucking everyone.
I’m not getting it any time soon. My mind won’t shut the hell up. I’m tired of thinking too much. I’m tired of my brain. I’m tired of drinking this coffee and smoking these cigarettes. I’m tired of having to pee. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of being tired. I wish I had someone to talk to. But I don’t. So I’ll cut my losses and finish this cigarette, and I’ll finish this coffee. I’ll finish these words and go to bed. If I can.
Kenny was laying on the red leather sofa in his mom’s living room when I came back from shopping. I smiled when I saw him and stood there for a minute to stare at him. He was laying on the right side of his body and his mouth was hanging open. He was snoring too, which made him even more beautiful. I looked up just as Marin - his mom - came to the doorway that led into the dining room.
“Did you find everything okay at the store?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest as she leaned into the doorframe.
I nodded and smiled. “Yes, everything was perfect. I’m actually kind of jealous. Arizona is so much prettier than Delaware.”
Marin laughed and stepped down into the living room. “Now you know why I left.”
I laughed nervously and nodded, twisting my hands together. “I guess I do.”
She walked across the room and stopped at the sliding glass door that led to the terrace. “Come on out, Ruby. It’s beautiful out here.”
Not wanting to be rude, I obliged and followed her out onto the terrace, sliding the door shut as soon as I stepped onto the stained wood. She wasn’t lying, it was absolutely gorgeous out on the terrace. She had a perfect view of the mountains and sloping canyons beyond her backyard. There were baby blue chaise chairs lining the entire terrace with cream colored tables beside every chair, and she had potted tomatoes and herbs on the tables directly in the sun. I felt like I was looking at a house straight out of a Better Homes and Garden magazine, everything was breathtaking.
“It’s really something, isn’t it?” Marin asked, walking forward and resting her arms on the railing that surrounded the entire balcony.
“It’s incredible,” I mused, swallowing.
“My husband and I spent the first 3 years of our marriage making sure everything looked perfect. We wanted something to be proud of, you know? Other than our children, we really had nothing to show for our excellencies. With the house and the company now, there’s never a dull moment.”
I mulled this over in my head as she turned around and smiled at me, walking over to a bar that I had completely missed when I did my initial sweep of the terrace. She sat down on one of four barstools and sighed.
“Come,” she said, waving me over with her hand. “Tell me about you and Kenny.” ©
I have come to a realization that when it comes to relationships I act like a guy. Forreal. Lemme spin it to you and explain how:
Okay, so, I don’t know if you can tell or not from my posts or just my personality in general, but I could care less about what people think of me. I don’t wake up every morning to impress people that mean nothing to me. If you don’t like what you see, then you shouldn’t be looking. I dress how I wanna dress, eat and drink what I wanna eat and drink, and I say what I need to say. There is NO ONE who will ever make me feel inferior. What’s the point of living if you fail to be free? For as young as I am, you could learn a lot from me.
But I’m getting off topic here.
When guys tell me they have an interest in me, I laugh. I’m just one of those girls who’s like lol, why do you like me? I look like a 300 pound Italian man, gtfo. I don’t usually get excited when a guy tells me he likes me and we start texting because the conversations always end the same way: they ask for nudes, and I remind them just how pathetic they are. Only 4 times in my life have I been completely and utterly blinded by a guy’s so called ‘interest’ in me, and those 4 times took forms in Russell, Danny, Patrick, and Nathan. Russell cheated, Danny was an alcoholic/coke head, Patrick was an ignorant faggot, and Nathan just used me for sex, which is the part that pisses me off the most. No matter what, if Nathan texts me, I always text back. And I don’t even know why anymore. I just do. And he always ends up asking for nudes. And then I laugh and tell him to lose my number, for the millionth time this year, and yet somehow he always comes back and for some stupid reason beyond me, I let him.
Here is the most important relationship advice that I can give anyone: don’t stay tied down, enjoy your options. If you’re a teenage girl like me, there’s no use in trying to stay in a lifelong relationship when you’ve got your whole life ahead of you to meet guys and start meaningful relationships with them. Take it from me, a girl who broke up with her last boyfriend, because he became unattractive to me. His personality made him disgusting. He told me loved me within the first week. Barf. He made sure we had sex every time we hung out. Rape. Did I mention he’s 20 and I’m 16? Because I guess that’s kind of important. But that’s not the point, the point is that I hate dating because it causes so much unnecessary stress and drama it’s unreal. I’d rather swallow one thousand bees and try my absolute best in school than date someone with abominable intentions.
So here’s how I’ll sum things up for you; be yourself. Love yourself, teach yourself new things, do things for yourself, and most importantly, ALWAYS PUT YOURSELF FIRST. No one is more important than YOU. And remember one more thing: if a guy tosses you away in an unorthodox manner, brush it off. You’re fantastic, and he’s full of self doubt and insecurities.
I love that my best friend will buy things for me because she wants to. It’s refreshing to have someone who means so much to you and to actually have someone around that sincerely likes you. 😍